Are You Mad at Me?: Understanding People-Pleasing
By: Erin Alcamo
After a night out with friends, you may find yourself in bed reflecting on the events, not replaying funny moments or feeling grateful for your friendships, but critically examining what you said and did during the night. Did I say something in the wrong tone? Was my joke too harsh? Was I too quiet? Do I wear the wrong thing?
If this sounds familiar, you may find yourself in a pattern of people pleasing. This may include putting others before yourself, scanning the emotional states of others, or being very concerned about how other people view you. These behaviors are part of being human, as we have a drive for social connection. But, when these behaviors become more common than not, and cause us to abandon ourselves in the process, it is worth being curious about where the pattern comes from.
This pattern of behavior is called fawning. Like fight, flight, and freeze, fawning is a strategy that is used to protect us in moments that may feel threatening. With fawning, individuals become more appealing, helpful, or try to be liked by the “threat.” For example, when a close friend or partner feels distant, you may think, Are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? When we fawn, we try to fix these uncomfortable or anxious thoughts with actions like complimenting their outfit or apologizing for something that didn’t even occur.
In Are You Mad at Me?, therapist Meg Josephson highlights the different roles that fawning shows up as:
The Peacekeeper: Suppresses their own emotions to avoid upsetting others, feels responsible for the moods of others, overapologizes when conflict arises, and fears they are “dramatic” or “sensitive.”
The Performer: Feels personally responsible for making other people happy, and feels they need to perform to keep up with others expectations.
The Caretaker: Tends to manage others’ emotions so they can feel okay, believes that other people’s needs are more important than their own, and may describe themselves as the “therapist-friend.”
The Lone Wolf: Believes love has to be earned, avoids conflict because they feel it is unsafe to let people know the real them, and may have past experiences where emotional needs were unmet.
The Perfectionist: Believes that their emotions are too much, feels they need to be perfect in order for others to love them, and has a belief that something is wrong with them.
The Chameleon: Blends in and makes themselves small to the point where they have lost touch with who they are or what they want.
The purpose of the above roles is to allow individuals to see if they resonate with any aspects of the different roles that people fall into. You might be reading and questioning, I see myself in both The Perfectionist and The Performer roles, which one am I? You do not have to fit into one or the other, as the goals of these descriptions are to help you begin shifting awareness into acceptance and start cultivating a stronger relationship with yourself. If you’re interested in learning more about how to identify and find alternatives to people-pleasing behaviors, see the resources below.
Resources:
Are You Mad at Me?, by Meg Josephson, LCSW
Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson Podcast, “People Pleasing and the Fawn Response with Meg Josephson.”
Peace of Mind by Meg Josephson, “Are You Mad At Me?”
