Attachment Styles: Understanding How We Relate to Others
By: Erin Alcamo
At our core, we are wired for connection. The relationships with our early caregivers shape how we trust, explore, and open up to others. These foundational bonds influence how we relate to family members, romantic partners, and friends well into adulthood, a concept that psychologists have referred to as attachment.
For decades, psychologists have been curious about how the attachments we form in childhood ripple into our adult relationships. Attachment acts as a foundation for how we connect with others. Humans have a natural reflex to seek closeness with important people in our lives. In childhood, this reflex occurs with our primary caregiver, while in adulthood, it extends to family members, romantic partners, and friends.
As the study of attachment evolved, psychologists noticed that people respond to relationships in predictable ways. These patterns, often known as attachment styles, help explain why some people tend to feel comfortable with vulnerability, while others hope to avoid it. Listed below are attachment styles that individuals may identify with in their own behaviors in their adult relationships.
Secure Attachment: Individuals feel comfortable in their relationships, and have a healthy level of interdependence. There is trust that others will be there to support and meet their needs and expectations.
Anxious Attachment: Individuals may feel frustrated and are quick to become angry if their need is not met. They may have high concern about whether others care for and love them.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals may feel less invested in relationships, and avoid any dependence on others. They may be hesitant to be emotionally vulnerable within their relationships.
Disorganized Attachment: Individuals may struggle between wanting attention and emotional connection and avoiding it. They may feel overwhelmed by their feelings and experience a fear of both intimacy and distance.
When reading from the above list, individuals may feel “stuck” in their pattern attachment, and feel that they will never be able to have secure attachments that they hope and wish for. However, therapists Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott from The Therapist Uncensored podcast can help us shift from their old versions of attachment and learn more modern, adaptable, and flexible definitions of these patterns and recognize how they show up in our closest relationships. Their modern attachment spectrum allows us to move away from pathological definitions of attachment and work towards compassionate and adaptive explanations to foster growth.
Additionally, their discussions on secure relating give us the tools to work towards feeling more secure in our current relationships. For example, Ann and Sue explain how accessing our “wise mind” and becoming more aware of our own reactions to conflict, closeness, and vulnerability can help us connect more securely to ourselves, and in turn, with others. This episode explores how the power of curiosity can lead us to a deeper understanding of our own emotions, patterns, and defenses, creating space for more secure relationships with our loved ones.
Sources:
The Therapist Uncensored (Episode 149): “Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum – An Integrated Model of Change”
The Therapist Uncensored (Episode 190): “Secure Relating, Not the Same as Secure Attachment with Ann & Sue”
Lecture from Interpersonal Relations, Boston College, taught by Paul Poteat (Spring 2024)
For Individuals that feel they identify with specific attachment patterns, the following episodes from The Therapist Uncensored may be of interest:
Secure Attachment: “Secure Attachment & Recognizing Secure States of Mind with Ann & Sue” (Episode 208)
Anxious Attachment: “Preoccupation in Relationships - Signs and Solutions to Anxious Attachment” (Episode 159)
Avoidant Attachment: “Are You Cool, or Just Cut Off? Dismissing/Avoidant Styles of Relating to Adulthood” (Episode 158)
Disorganized Attachment: “Disorganized Attachment - It’s Not Crazy; It’s a Solution to an Unsolvable Problem” (Episode 160)
